Dear Makers of the Kit-E-Cat 3000:
I am writing to most enthusiastically thank you for inventing your phenomenal product. I received one for my birthday last month and have been continually pleased and impressed.
Your product is marketed as a method of stress-reduction. According to your commercials, the purchaser places the product on her or his lap, strokes it until it emits a grating hum, and revels in the benefits of lower blood pressure, fewer headaches, and a longer life span. Imagine my surprise when I discovered several other benefits, from entertainment to feet warming! I am constantly amused by the product’s tendency to end up on the highest point in my home, and I admit confusion and hilarity often ensue when I try to use the product while typing stories and lesson plans.
The other morning, I was pleased to find one more use for this versatile product. When tossing and turning before falling asleep, I suddenly found my head lying atop your product. As you likely know, the soft exterior of the product feels luxurious against one’s face; I found myself falling asleep within minutes. You can imagine my delight when, seven hours later, I awakened to the grumbling sounds the product emits when activated; I found this a much preferable way to begin my day than the usual, screaming alarm.
From warming my lap to helping ease me into sleep, your product supplies a host of benefits beyond those listed in your advertising campaigns. I can only say bravo for producing such an invaluable product. I can guarantee you that I fully intend to purchase another should my version ever, goodness forbid, break down.