Here goes an obit that sounds remarkably like an Onion article…
Elle Hill – teacher, writer, humanitarian, animal rights advocate, and self-proclaimed Crazy Cat Lady – passed away last January 23, 2071 at the age of ninety-seven during an incident authorities are investigating as a possible homicide.
|One of the now-well-fed animals Hill and others |
saved from a hoarding situation
“Elle said, ‘Oh, hell no! Over my dead, fat body!’” her anonymous companion reported. “She told us her body had way more food on it than any animal’s and we should kill her and feast for days. Of course, no one wanted to kill and eat our beloved friend, but the puppies’ whines finally broke us down. By the end of the day, Elle became dinner. Her last words were, ‘Make sure the animals get enough. Always feed them first!’”
Police are baffled by the account and suspicious that Hill’s companions overpowered Hill because her body offered the most nourishment. “It’s a more bang for the buck kinda thing,” an anonymous police officer commented.
|Hill in 2008 at an anti-Proposition 8|
Rally in California
Kris Owen, Hill’s youngest sister, tearfully remarked, “She was an ardent fat activist. She died fulfilling her two greatest wishes: helping animals and demonstrating the awesome, life-giving capacities of fat bodies.”
The investigation into her demise continues. None of Hill’s companions, human or animal, have been arrested.
|One of Hill's black cats|