My Auto-Obituary While I'm Still Alive

So here’s a bit of background. My BFF recently received homework from her therapist: Write an obit about herself. She carried her homework to lunch with a couple other friends and me, and we had a blast thinking of creative ways to live and die. I don’t think I can compete with my friend’s Nobel Peace Prize, 65-year romantic relationship, magically immortal pets, and death by African ostrich, but I feel inspired to steal this homework assignment and make it my own.


Here goes an obit that sounds remarkably like an Onion article…


Elle Hill – teacher, writer, humanitarian, animal rights advocate, and self-proclaimed Crazy Cat Lady – passed away last January 23, 2071 at the age of ninety-seven during an incident authorities are investigating as a possible homicide.

One of the now-well-fed animals Hill and others
saved from a hoarding situation

Hill, noted paranormal romance and science fiction author whose books consistently made the New York Times’ bestseller list, was discovered in a snowed-in minivan in rural Southern Alaska along with four other humans, three cats, and two dogs. While rescuing the animals from a severe hoarding situation, a snowstorm stranded Hill and her companions on a seldom-traveled, rural backroad. According to one of Hill’s companions in the automobile, several days passed without food and with only melted snow to drink. On day four, the anonymous person reported, Hill’s three companions began talking of sacrificing one of the animals for food.


“Elle said, ‘Oh, hell no! Over my dead, fat body!’” her anonymous companion reported. “She told us her body had way more food on it than any animal’s and we should kill her and feast for days. Of course, no one wanted to kill and eat our beloved friend, but the puppies’ whines finally broke us down. By the end of the day, Elle became dinner. Her last words were, ‘Make sure the animals get enough. Always feed them first!’”


Police are baffled by the account and suspicious that Hill’s companions overpowered Hill because her body offered the most nourishment. “It’s a more bang for the buck kinda thing,” an anonymous police officer commented.

Hill in 2008 at an anti-Proposition 8
Rally in California

However, those closest to Hill agree she would have sacrificed herself for the animals. “In addition to being a human rights activist, Elle is also a very well-known animal nut,” reports her older sister and famous author and animal rescuer, Lauri J Owen. “In her thirties, she founded the well-known BAST [Black and Senior Tails] Animal Rescue; in her forties, she established HAPPE (Humans and Pets Pursuing Equality), an organization supporting the rights of fat, disabled, and queer people and their pets; and she spent a lot of her later years testifying before Congress and helping pass the ‘Fix Your Pets or Be Fixed’ Bill of 2057. Heck, even when she opened up her chain of battered persons’ shelters, she designed them to allow pets of all kinds, from guinea pigs to horses.”


Kris Owen, Hill’s youngest sister, tearfully remarked, “She was an ardent fat activist. She died fulfilling her two greatest wishes: helping animals and demonstrating the awesome, life-giving capacities of fat bodies.”


The investigation into her demise continues. None of Hill’s companions, human or animal, have been arrested.

One of Hill's black cats

Hill is survived by her three sisters, her best friend and NRLP, Julianne, and her many, many cats and Pit Bulls, most black and all senior. She is also remembered with fondness and appreciation by the four human and five non-human companions trapped with her for eight days in a minivan in rural Alaska. “I weep every day for our loss,” another car companion, who also asked to remain anonymous, confided. “However, I comfort myself with the thought that a little piece of Elle remains in us all.”